


Everything I Love Is On The Table

by DryDreams, foldingcranes



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Depression, Established Relationship, M/M, Miscommunication, Oral Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Fall of Overwatch, outdated lore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-08 00:54:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13447071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DryDreams/pseuds/DryDreams, https://archiveofourown.org/users/foldingcranes/pseuds/foldingcranes
Summary: Something is rotting inside of Overwatch, and Gabriel Reyes is determined to discover what it is. Even if he has to do it on his own. Even if his marriage suffers for it. Even if he alienates everyone he loves, including Jack.He's going to uncover this conspiracy even if it kills him.Overwatch is crumbling around Jack Morrison's feet and he doesn't know how to hold on. His husband is more distant than ever before, his people are turning against him and he's barely holding together.Will he be able to keep everything from falling apart?





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to [stuffy_j](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuffy_j/pseuds/stuffy_j) for beta reading this chapter for us!

_Hace un mes solía escucharte_  
_Y ser tu cómplice_  
_Pensé que ya no había nadie más que tú_  
_Yo fui tu amiga y fui tu compañera._

**Gabriel**

Gabriel was exhausted. It was probably a scientific mystery as to why he was awake right now. He dragged his hand over his face with a soft sigh and looked at the glowing numbers on his watch through blurry eyes. It rudely projected 2:21 at him and he felt the ache of that unholy time in his whole body. 

Jack shifted beside him, and it sent an elusive spark through Gabriel. It was a damn miracle that Jack was asleep, at least. That idiot would never sleep if he didn’t have to. He felt a welcome affection bloom in his chest and brushed his knuckles against Jack’s cheekbone. The other man didn’t even stir…he was out cold, having likely been awake for much longer than he should have been this past week. Despite how little Jack slept, it was rare for Gabriel to see him awake lately. They had never been good at talking. These days nearly every conscious encounter ended with them both angry. An intrusive thought passed through his mind. _Jack’s better when he’s asleep._

Gabriel sighed again, heavier this time, and hoisted himself out of bed in one swift movement. He was only wearing one sock, he realized. It might have been funny if he had any sense of humor lately. He didn’t. Things were too fucked up for that. 

The problems had started with the Cambodia mission. They had dropped the carrier and were immediately under heavy fire as soon as they stepped off, the enemy lying in wait. Gabriel had been furious, four guys had been shot and Jesse had caught his face on the ground real hard diving for cover. Everything was off--that mission, in particular, should have been a complete surprise, not even his team knew where they were going until they got there. At first, Gabriel had brushed it off as the enemy getting more on top of their shit. He really wasn’t as paranoid as everyone assumed he was, or at least he didn’t mean to be. 

Then there was the mission he wasn’t supposed to tell Jack about. Their orders straight from the top of complete secrecy were abnormally firm. The extraction had been normal enough, not too much information beyond who to pick up and where to get him. But the guy had cracked mid-flight. Started babbling, dropping heavy accusations and big names. Gabriel was used to crazy shit happening, had him secured away from his team’s listening ears. But when he got back to base and a few people much higher up than him were waiting...well, he wasn’t stupid. 

They didn’t even bother spinning a story for him, just told him and Jesse to keep their mouths shut and- get this- shot the extraction in the head. Gabriel had shot a ‘don’t lose your shit’ look at the wide-eyed man beside him and said “yes sir” as many times as he needed to. There was nothing else he could do. It was his duty to trust these people blindly. Well, at least to pretend that he did. Because suddenly, he didn’t.

Jesse, as his right-hand man, had been _furious_ , and Gabriel had to feed him some confident bullshit to calm him down. Jesse was right to be pissed, but there was no way he needed to be involved. He was in danger enough as it was, with his history. Gabriel didn’t plan to drag anyone else down with him. The fact that Jesse had witnessed anything was bad enough. They had gotten lucky. The UN had overestimated their blind loyalty.

Since then, Gabriel had been looking over his shoulder a lot more often than he used to. Now that he was looking, the secrets were almost glaringly obvious. The amount of cover-ups and blank spots on the map. He didn't know what the hell any of it meant yet. Only that it was real fucking suspicious. 

So that was what he had been doing with his free time, why he was up at this ungodly hour. He slipped on some soft pants and a dark hoodie, throwing one last glance at Jack before he went. Not a peep. 

He stopped by the mess hall first and made coffee. Gabriel figured if anyone bothered to look at the security tapes, it would seem a little less suspicious and sneaky. The coffee was shit but the warmth of it made him feel a little more alive and cleared the blur from his vision. Which was good, because he was going to be peering at quite a bit of old plasma screen. He knew he could only pore through the backup drives in the archives, the ones stored on old ‘junk drives’, chunky lap computers with physical keyboards that were not connected to the network. It was a step up from paper records- that shit barely existed anymore. 

He had his own junk drive full of things he thought might be important. It made him feel like he was in an old Bond movie, hiding the big chunk of plastic in the fake drawer of his dresser.

He scrolled and clicked through mazes of file folders for what seemed like hours. His eyes had glazed over a tad when he suddenly stumbled on something that made his blood feel like ice. He sat up straight, furiously scanning the document.

“Subject 073: heart slowed but still beating. Unresponsive to minor emotional stimuli.” “Reconditioning experiment 44, Blackwatch soldier formula.” 

Even worse, the names… Director of national security for western England, secretary of internal affairs in Germany, an ex-ambassador from the Republic of New York? This was a big deal. People knew about this. What he had wasn't proof of malicious intent per se but damn…it was terrifying. It was certainly proof of inhumane tactics. 

He transferred the whole file to his drive and shoved the computer back into its slot. 

-

Gabriel slipped into Jack’s office and sank into the chair across from his desk during the afternoon, knowing full well that Jack's office hours would end soon. “Hey, can we talk? I've got some concerns. Big ones.”

Jack blinked up at him for a moment, looking slightly startled. Then he put down his tablet, switched off his eyepiece and grinned wide. “Gabe! I'm concerned about _you_ , big boy.”

Gabriel pinched the bridge of his nose. _Now? Really? Why the fuck is Jack sunshine and terrible nicknames all of a sudden?_ “Jesus fuck, Jack, I’m serious.”

Jack was on his feet immediately, slinking around the edge of his desk, eyes dark. “Can't it wait, Gabi? I haven't seen you in days...” _weeks,_ Gabriel thought. _It had been weeks_. “and I'm…” Jack punctuated his sentence by sliding into Gabriel's lap and immediately grinding down once - “aching” twice- “for you right now.”

Gabriel felt like crying, honest to god. It had been so long since they had so much as kissed. The last time it had been angry, a one-sided shouting match ending with something too rough, a clash of teeth, bitter resentment heavy on their lips. Gabriel ran his tongue over the raised line inside of his mouth where Jack had broken skin. He had let it heal on its own and now it would likely be there forever. 

It wasn't as if Gabriel didn't want to, he just… it didn’t seem like the right time, didn’t seem like it would end well but _fuck_ his husband was warm and awake and moving in his lap right now. Gabe sighed heavily and gave in, sliding his hands up Jack’s sides and then down, cupping his ass and pulling him even closer. Jack gasped and hummed and tipped Gabriel’s head up, nipping at his nose and then kissing him hard, sloppy. He let his eyes fall shut and felt a thrill run through him, let himself be kissed, ignoring the ache in his throat. Fuck. 

Jack slipped his hand under the beanie on Gabriel's head and pushed it off, raking through and tugging at the dark curls underneath. 

“You can tell me later, mi amor” Jack whispered in his ear before sucking on it. Gabe shuddered and lightly bucked his hips, Jack meeting him, pushing against him and moaning at the welcome pressure. _What has gotten into him today, honestly,_ Gabe wondered. Jack was hardly ever the forward one. Not that he was complaining--well, he was. Not for any good reason though. 

“Alright, but we’re going to the room.”

Jack complained the whole way there- quietly and obscenely into Gabriel’s ear. When the door finally closed behind them Jack didn’t let him get far, tugging at his clothes and nipping at his neck. Gabe closed his eyes, held onto Jack’s waist and let himself be ravished against the wall. The ache in his throat had only gotten worse. 

They were sans armor, jacket, sweatshirt, and hat before Jack finally pulled back and led him to the bedroom. Gabe’s body had been responding to the attention but now as he retreated further and further into his anxious thoughts…

“Gabe?” Jack’s voice was tinged with worry and Gabriel snapped to attention. There were hands at the button of his pants and blue eyes under furrowed eyebrows looking at him in concern. “Are you okay?”

Sure enough, he wasn’t hard anymore. Gabriel shrugged. “Yeah, I’m just a little tired,” he lied and shot Jack a forced smile which Jack nervously returned. “It’s fine, sunshine, let’s get you out of those clothes.”

Eagerly Jack leaned back and let Gabriel continue to strip him. Every contented sound from his mouth served to make Gabriel feel more angry, somehow. And the fact that he couldn’t make himself just _enjoy this_ angrier still. He held Jack tighter and bit down on his skin harder. Jack only moaned louder. It infuriated Gabriel and he hated himself for it. 

Soon enough he had Jack naked and writhing under him, something that was at all other times his favorite thing. For the second time that night tears pricked behind his eyes but he blinked them back and focused on his task, holding Jack’s hips down and sucking him into his mouth. 

When Jack came, whimpering, he tugged sharply at Gabriel’s hair and...it didn’t feel good, it only hurt a little. Gabriel couldn’t stop the tear that escaped, then. Thankfully Jack was too out of it to notice before he wiped it away as he sat up. 

The thing that hurt the most was Jack’s bright smile when he pushed himself up and into Gabriel’s space. He muttered, “let me take care of you now,” and before Gabriel could stop him went for his jeans again. There was a moment of silence as Jack realized, and then registered. He leaned back and Gabriel let him go, opening his mouth for another excuse. The smile had disappeared in an instant, and now Jack didn’t look nervous but absolutely _terrified_. Gabriel swallowed hard. 

“I’m really just--”

Then as quickly as the smile had gone it was back. Fake, this time. The way Jack smiled for the cameras and not for him. “Tired. Right. It’s okay, Gabe. We can go to sleep.”

So with brave faces, they did. Gabriel shucked his pants and lay down. Jack, to his mild surprise, lay on his chest like nothing was wrong.

For a while Gabriel just stayed, mindlessly watching Jack breathe evenly and counting the scars on his back. He felt so numb. Finally, with a heavy sigh he gently pried himself free and rolled onto his side. Snapping his fingers, he turned the light off. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness he unplugged a mental drain, letting all his anxieties rush back into his mind. 

The one time Gabriel had wanted to really talk, share something potentially life-altering… Jack had just wanted to fuck and fall asleep. Typical. In the back of his mind, Gabriel knew he was being unfair. He knew Jack was tired. He knew he had failed. It hurt like a knife in Gabriel’s chest. Part of him hated this. He _wanted_ to want Jack. Part of him did.

The rest of him was still angry. He couldn’t help but feel spite bubbling up in him. These days it seemed more and more like Jack didn’t give a shit about anything Gabriel had to say.There was once a time in which Gabriel could talk for hours about nothing and Jack would be rapt, nodding and smiling that small, reserved smile. Lately, his nose was always buried in something and Gabriel was lucky if he got a side-eye or a ‘mmhm...’, even when trying to relay the most important of information. 

Then he would get mad, and it would just get worse. Gabriel had fallen into the habit of yelling to try and get his point across. If Jack couldn’t hear him, then why not make him listen, right?

Sure, except it never worked. Jack just closed up, like a clam. 

An image flashed through Gabriel’s mind of the last time they had fought, the aforementioned ‘shouting match’. Really, it had been Gabriel screaming and Jack just standing there like a statue, eyes like chips of ice. He stood, unflinching, until Gabriel turned to pleading, the guilt from his anger rushing over him in the face of Jack’s absolute stoicism. But it was too late to beg. With one slight break in the facade, Jack’s eyebrows furrowed as if he was about to cry, he turned on his heel, and then he left. 

There was still a hole in their metal wall where Gabriel had shredded his hand punching right through it. The hand had healed before Jack came back days later, but the hole simply had a picture hanging over it. Gabriel had no intention of telling anyone it was there. 

They hadn’t talked about it. They never talk about it. 

Gabriel made a decision, then. He wasn’t going to tell Jack about what was going on, not yet. Maybe he was being a stubborn bastard, but it wasn’t like Jack was going to listen anyways. 

He could handle this on his own. _Would_ handle it. And he wouldn’t drag anyone else along with him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to [TinyOctopus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinyOctopus/pseuds/TinyOctopus) for beta reading this chapter!

 

_Hoy volví a dormir en nuestra cama_

_Y todo sigue igual_

_El aire y nuestros gatos_

_Nada cambiará_

_Difícil olvidarte estando aquí._

 

 

**Jack**

Jack woke up and stared at the red digits on the digital clock, cursing himself silently. His heart felt like it was beating too fast and he closed his eyes again, rubbing a hand over his chest.

It was three in the morning and Gabriel wasn’t on his side of the bed.

This wasn’t the first time it had happened. Jack was never able to sleep an entire night without waking up a few times. As of late, Gabriel was never there. The whole room felt oppressive with the absence as if the emptiness of the bed was mocking him.

Life had been hard lately, and he knew both of them were under a lot of stress. Even so, Jack felt like Gabriel had been slipping away slowly and silently and all he could do was cling on desperately. That was the only thing he ever seemed to do these days: hold too tightly onto things so he might have the chance to fix them, hoping to God he’ll be able to before it was too late.

After the London disaster and the decision he made, Jack wondered if he should feel guilty. Should he be worrying about the state of his marriage more than the fact that he was probably going to be court-martialed soon?

He wondered if he should feel guilty for not caring a lot about the important things. For being too numb and too exhausted and too sad. For feeling like he was floating in a pool of cold water, bones aching with the chill.

Hands starting to shake a little, Jack considered making the effort of trying to go back to sleep. But his tongue felt heavy inside his mouth, his heart was still beating too fast, and the numbers on the clock and the empty, lonely bed still taunted him. He had gotten so cold he felt like he wouldn’t ever be warm again. Feeling defeated, he kicked the covers off and went to the kitchen to make some coffee.

When the pot was ready, Jack stared into his mug with a sense of eerie numbness, the steam making his face feel even more sticky from sleep and uncomfortably warm. After a minute, he went to the cupboard where they usually stashed their booze. He fetched a whiskey bottle and poured a good amount of it into the cup of coffee. As he did it, he pondered if he would be doing this with Gabriel standing at the other side of the kitchen. Wondered if he would approve of Jack getting up at weird hours in the middle of the night to drink spiked coffee.

But Gabriel wasn’t there.

Letting out a shuddering breath, Jack rubbed his temple with a free hand. He took a sip of admittedly terrible coffee and stared at the kitchen table, where his communicator was laying. The whole purpose of abandoning it there the day before was to try and catch some quality sleep. He didn’t even remember the last time he slept more than four hours and it was starting to affect his nerves. Tension filled his body, like a bowstring about to snap. Unfortunately, he knew it was impossible to go back to bed now. Giving up, he went to recover the damn thing from the table and turned it on, watching as the steady flow of work messages lit up the entire kitchen. There, on top of them, were the pending requests for investigation from the UN officers, and the complaints from the head of the Department of Peacekeeping Operations that most likely would end with Jack’s head being cut off.

Pulling out a chair so he could sit, he went over his notifications, opening the messages one by one and staring at them without reading them until the letters got blurry and the brightness of the screen made his eyes hurt.

When he finally did himself the favor of looking away from the string of angry messages, his coffee was long gone and he was clutching a cold, empty mug. Light was starting to peek through the window, and the hints of a colorful sunrise meant Jack had been sitting in his kitchen like a pathetic fuck for at least three hours. His throat closed up at the realization. An ugly and sticky pang of loneliness pulled at him and tried to cover him like a heavy blanket. Four wasted hours sitting there like another piece of furniture instead of sleeping or working or trying to find out what was going on with his husband.

No one else was awake. The birds were only starting to chirp. He was useless and so very alone.

So Jack started his day not being quite sure time existed anymore, feeling like the last man on earth. He went to the bathroom after putting the mug in the dishwasher. Took a shower to try and wash the unsettling feeling of morning away, the heavy sadness still looming over his shoulder. Eyes heavy and crusty from the lack of sleep, he got dressed efficiently. Before he left he threw a hesitant glance to the expanse of the bed.

He needed to stop thinking about that.

At 8:00 on the dot he was at his office, assistant handing him the reports of the day and giving him his schedule. Jack’s head swam a little with the overwhelming amount of information. Even if he was used to it, he had been feeling too fucking exhausted. Things that used to be bearable now felt like trying to drag a giant boulder up a mountain.

There were three meetings in the morning. He reviewed a couple of questionable reports with the officer from the UN. Meeting with the people calling for his head, he had to smile and be diplomatic. Playing the part of the perfect figurehead wasn’t easy in the first place. Doing it while he desperately tried not to burst a vein from the sheer amount of frustration he was feeling felt like absolute hell.

By the time he was back at his office for lunch, he felt noticeably slow with tiredness, and there was a pounding headache impairing his ability to think properly. He wanted nothing more than to curl up somewhere and die. Better yet, have Gabriel’s fingers in his hair, a blessed pressure against his scalp… but Gabriel was who knows where.

Jack pushed that out of his mind.

Instead of doing the next thing on his list, he settled on looking over the entire contents of the drawers in his desk. Somewhat to find some missing documents he should have signed at least two days ago, mostly to do something mindless. He knows he left them in there, but with the amount he was paying attention his gaze had probably passed right over them.

Clumsily he knocked over a few folders, papers and other office supplies falling to the floor. Leaving his chair to kneel on the carpet and clean his mess, something caught his attention. An old picture had slipped out of the stack: him and Gabriel on one of their first leaves during SEP, fresh-faced and tanned under the sun of Los Angeles. Gabriel had an arm looped around Jack’s shoulders and Jack was kissing his cheek, lips pressed against Gabriel’s cheekbone. They looked so _happy_. It was a really good picture of them. Still, the memory made Jack’s eyes sting a little. He yearned for something that was seeming to slip away between his fingers like sand inside of an hourglass.

He barely noticed himself pulling back up to his chair. Time seemed to slow down and stop again as if he were still sitting alone in the kitchen at the dead hours of the night. Everything was crumbling around him. Overwatch was probably ending. The possibility of a dishonorable discharge after being court-martialed was haunting him. His marriage was disintegrating in front of his eyes and he, cowardly, kept finding himself unable to do anything. The seething anger that had made a home out of his tired mind kept wanting to break free. It all echoed in the back of his head and he stilled, feeling empty despite how full he was of anxious feelings.

Chest tight and heart beating too fast once again--it was becoming a familiar feeling--he switched on his tablet and tried to calm the fuck down and do some work.

 

 

-

By the time late afternoon rolled around, the door opened.

The only person other than Ana who wouldn’t knock, and she was gone.

It was Gabriel, of course.

Gabriel flopped into the chair across from the table. “Hey, can we talk? I've got some concerns. Big ones.”

_Concerns?_   Jack blinked at him. All he could think about suddenly was the empty bed and the fingers that weren’t carding through his hair. He wanted Gabriel to touch him. Maybe it would help something, anything. Maybe it wouldn’t, but… it was all Jack could think about.

Quickly Jack plastered on his best smile. He fiddled a little with the tablet, not quite knowing what to do until Gabriel’s serious gaze found him. Grinning wider--it made his head hurt more--he turned it off and put it back where it was.

"Gabriel!” He spat out, voice trembling slightly with the possibility of being discovered, afraid of Gabriel seeing his weakness. “I'm concerned about you, big boy!"

_What the fuck, Jack_. Internally cringing at his own choice of words, he tried to soldier on in the face of Gabriel’s increasingly annoyed expression.

“Jesus fuck, Jack, I’m serious.” Gabriel slumped further in the chair and a wave of uneasiness quickly rolled through Jack’s gut. Moving without thinking, Jack stood and took a couple of steps. Soon enough he was in Gabriel’s space.

“Can't it wait, Gabi? I haven't seen you in days...” Weeks. They hadn’t seen each other in weeks. Jack had woken up that morning looking for Gabriel only to find him gone. Again. The effect of how close he was to his husband on his sleep-addled mind had him half hard and thrumming with… something. He slid --collapsed, nearly-- into Gabriel’s lap.

“And I'm…” The contact sent a pulsing mix of need and slow-growing sadness through him and he immediately ground down once, “for _you_ right now.”

He was so afraid of rejection. When did he become so afraid? When was the last time he hadn’t been?

_Just go on. Go on. Step up your act, Jack, or he won’t want you. C’mon._

But Gabriel wasn’t pushing him away. God, Jack had missed Gabriel like a limb. He had spent so long staring at the crumbles of their strained affection, wishing for a way to reach out without being swallowed by anger or fear. Worse yet, by all-consuming sadness and longing for things that may no longer exist. It had been easier to let the numbness take hold of his emotions, letting it encircle and deepen the distance between them. Letting himself get lost in the warmth of the body he knew so well, he cupped Gabriel’s face and kissed him hungrily, pouring love and desperation into the kiss. Hiding the anxiousness away as Gabriel’s hands ran over his body and managed to pull him even closer. Jack pushed Gabriel’s beanie away, letting it fall to the floor. Carding his fingers through the curls he loved so much, he tugged at them roughly. Faintly, he noticed Gabriel was in need of a haircut, the usually close-cropped sides of his undercut getting long enough to get a grip on.

For a moment Gabriel hesitated and Jack realized that he had come for a reason. A reason that was suddenly the least important thing in the universe to Jack.

“You can tell me later, mi amor,” he whispered in Gabriel’s ear, teasingly biting the lobe. Gabriel’s hand tightened around his waist, and Jack accommodated himself so he could straddle Gabriel better.

“Alright,” Gabriel gave in and Jack nearly cried in relief. “But we’re going to the room.”

He let Gabriel practically carry him to their room in a childish display of clinginess. Holding onto him with all the force his arms were capable of, Jack refused to let go, making a show of complaining into Gabriel’s ear and peppering the side of his face with kisses. Gabriel’s muscles felt tense under Jack’s hands and he tried to massage them as they kissed, wanting to get Gabriel to relax. He tugged at his clothes impatiently once they were home until they started getting each other undressed, clothes dropping to the floor without any sort of care. Jack couldn’t give a damn about his uniform at that moment, too engrossed in getting his hands on Gabriel, having missed his touch for so long.

The room was quiet. It wasn’t normal for them to be quiet during sex. Usually, there would be laughter and playful jabs, any sort of banter. But Gabriel was quiet and his kisses felt tense, his touch rough and brusque. Maybe he was too wound, too keyed up with tension from work. At least that’s what Jack kept telling himself as they lay on the bed and Gabriel seemed to be anywhere but there. “Gabe?” Jack called out to him, concern pooling in his gut as he undid the button of Gabriel’s pants, trying to help him get rid of the last of his clothes. “Are you okay?”

He saw Gabriel shrug, nonchalant. “Yeah, I’m just a little tired.”

Jack let go and leaned back with a small smile, trying to convince himself to stop thinking so much and just _let go_. He wanted to enjoy this moment with Gabriel. He wanted them to find each other again through their affection. And once Gabriel’s mouth was on him, eager to please, his hands gripping Jack’s hip roughly enough to hurt, it was easy to just… close his eyes and forget everything else.

Jack focused on the fingers digging into the bone of his hips and into the meat of his thighs, picturing the marks they’d leave. There was something about bruises and scars that fascinated Jack. Every bruise and every mark had a history that only the owner could understand and know completely.

Gabriel and he had memorized each other’s scars. They both knew the stories behind every one of them; either they were together when they happened, or they shared the details of what happened when they were apart.

Bruises were a different story. Bruises were small reminders that Jack liked to keep to himself, they were the marks of another soul imprinted upon his. Bruises were proof that he had and was loved.

The shape of Gabriel’s fingers on his thighs and hips. Purple hickies left over Jack’s neck and pecs. A map of scratches left on Gabriel’s chest and back, given as a gift.

For the first time in what felt like such a long time, he had bruises. These new and aching marks of physical affection tethered Jack to the present, grounded him to the softness of the bed and the firmness of Gabriel’s hold. Nothing more existed during this moment. _Finally_ , time stopped in what felt like a good way. He was caught in a moment of peace that he wished he could encapsulate and keep for when the shadows came for him, so that he knew there was always a reminder of home, a soft place to land.

Jack came with a soft whimper, contentedness blooming in his chest, tugging at Gabriel’s curls as his thighs trembled. He exhaled, trying to come down from the orgasm’s haze, then raised himself into a sitting position, cupping Gabriel’s cheek. “Let me take care of you now.”

As Gabriel quickly sat, Jack reached towards to him and cupped at the front of his jeans. He faltered in surprise when he discovered that Gabriel still wasn’t hard.

“I’m really just--”

Jack faked a smile, not wanting to make Gabriel feel bad. There was a first time for everything, even if unease tugged at him and anxiety started to cloud his thoughts. The urge to jump out of the bed and hide almost overpowered him, and he fisted the sheets, desperately trying to conceal his trembling hands. “Tired. Right. It’s okay, Gabe. We can go to sleep.”

Laying on Gabriel’s chest, Jack hid his face in the space between Gabriel’s neck and shoulder, trying to swallow past the heavy lump forming inside his throat. Lacing their fingers together over Gabriel’s heart, just feeling the steady beat. He faked to be asleep, lulled by the rhythm, unable to feel at peace despite the exhaustion taking over his body. Soon enough, Gabriel let go of him and rolled away from his body. Jack hid his face in the pillow, trying to muffle the sounds of his hitched breathing and the steady flow of panic rising from his body.

After struggling for air for most of the night, he fell into an uneasy sleep.

Hours later when he woke up, the bed was cold once again and he was alone.

Sand seemed to slip through the wrinkles in the sheets.


	3. Chapter 3

_Ven y cuéntame la verdad_  
_Ten piedad_  
_Y dime por qué, no, no no_  
_Cómo fue que me dejaste de amar_  
_Yo no podía soportar tu tanta falta de querer._

 

 

 

**Gabriel**

It had been ten days since they came together.

Jesse had been gone for three.

It was always in the back of Gabriel’s mind that the kid--no, hell, he was a man now--might someday want to change his course. After so long in the organization he was surely free to go, record wiped clean. It wasn’t completely unexpected, but it was...unwelcome.

Part of Gabriel was almost jealous. Everything about Jesse McCree screamed freedom and recklessness; he belonged on the road, always had. Gabriel desperately wished he could feel even a fraction of that. Almost wanted to just abandon the burning ship that was Overwatch, leave everyone else behind to pick up the pieces.

Everyone being… Jack. And no, he wouldn’t do that. Couldn’t.

Instead, he felt trapped even more now. Without Jesse, things were quieter and not in any good way. Somehow he had been the last thing keeping Gabriel from getting lost in his paranoid thoughts. Every part of Gabriel that wasn’t jealous just plainly missed the kid. The ache in his chest that had been a constant companion for some time now had doubled in its intensity.

Genji left last year, not long before Ana… _fuck_ \--before Ana died. Reinhardt had gone home after her funeral; Torbjorn relocated to Spain and Angela was with him. Gerard and Amelie had been gone for so long that sometimes they all managed to forget.

Gabriel’s entire support system--his _family_ had crumbled and been scattered to the wind. What did he have left?

_Jack?_

No, all he had left was his mission. That’s all he’d had in the beginning, why shouldn’t it be enough now?

So Gabriel hadn’t slept since Jesse left. Didn’t try, knew he wouldn’t be able to. He was up now, sitting on the floor in a dark empty corner of the archives, pouring over a long-sought after promising lead. His hands had been shaking for hours now but he barely noticed.

He clicked open a file, heart racing, not sure if he was anticipating something or if that had just been his resting state today.

Suddenly the cursor stopped moving. He blinked, rubbing furiously over the trackpad. Nothing. Then the screen flickered and turned a bright blue.

Gabriel sat stunned for a moment. Then something in him broke, his sanity splintering.

“Guess that’s it then, huh boss. You done?”

_Jesse?_ It wasn’t real, he had imagined it. His paranoid mind convinced him to look around the room anyways. There was no one there, of course.

“You failed, Gabriel,” he could almost hear Ana saying. “Why did you think you could do this yourself?”

A choked cry of fury and frustration forced itself from Gabriel’s chest. He flung the computer across the room and it splintered against the wall. Whirling around, he flailed for something else to break but there was nothing, the shelves a few paces across the room.

Kicking out, he made impact with the reinforced door. The pain was immediate and glorious, shooting up his leg. His ankle was broken for sure, but he wasn’t deterred. His knuckles broke next against the doorframe, blood running down his wrist.

The faint clicking of a tongue echoed in his mind and he stopped in his tracks, broken hand against the wall, the pain ignored. _Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack._

“I'm up for trial in a month and you're not even going to be beside me? _These_ are the better things you have to do?”

Gabriel’s knees buckled under him and he fell to the floor.

“Jack, I--” _I’m sorry._ A coward, that’s what he was. Couldn’t even say it to someone who wasn’t there. Too angry, too stubborn, couldn’t be the bigger person.

“It’s no wonder I don’t love you anymore.”

It wasn’t Jack, not really. It was Gabriel’s guilt eating away at him, his sleep-addled mind playing tricks on him. But, he thought...maybe it was true. Had he pushed Jack so far away? Was this unsalvageable?

Finally, Gabriel just let himself go, gut-wrenching sobs escaping his chest.

He didn’t know if he could get any lower than this. A feeling of dread and resignation had settled heavily over him. He was afraid for his marriage, afraid for his people, his organization...helpless suddenly, without the strength to think of solutions, all Gabriel could do was cry.

After some time not actively trying to keep awake, his body shut down forcibly. He slipped into troubled sleep.

 

-

 

 

**Jack**

Jack was running late for work.

The first thing anyone should know about Jack was that he was never, ever late for work. Since he was a kid, being an early riser was kind of his thing. Her mother or father would go to his room to wake him up for breakfast only to find him already up and sitting on his bed, listening to the chirping birds or petting his dog. Later, this would be extremely helpful for the people who would raise him during the rest of his childhood and teenage years, because Jack would always wake up and do whatever he was supposed to do. That was why he didn’t complain during the mornings back at basic and at SEP, why he took the night shift during the Omnic Crisis and watched over everyone’s sleep. He was never really good at staying asleep.

Until now.

Jack woke up, dizzy with sleep and dried drool all over his face and pillow, hair a disaster (as in every morning) and hand reaching out for someone who wasn’t there. The right side of the bed was, again, untouched.

Jack let out a frustrated sigh, buried his face on the pillow, counted to ten and then completely panicked when Athena helpfully reminded him what time was it. He was barely out of the shower when he put on clothes, and didn’t even think of breakfast until his stomach started growling and annoying him about it. He’d eat. Later.

For a moment, he thinks about the kind of joke Ana would make if he saw him entering his office with his coat barely on and his hair still dripping wet from the shower, stomach growling loudly from hunger. He pictured himself sitting at his desk, Ana on the other side, both of them eating sandwiches and drinking tea. She would have saved him one or two pastries from the cafeteria, because she had always made fun of his sweet tooth. “Here,” Ana would have said, chiding him, “eat your breakfast so Gabriel doesn’t scold you later.”

Ana was gone and Gabriel didn’t care anymore, so Jack just walked faster and prayed that his assistant wouldn’t ask too many questions, and told himself to stop being such a human disaster.

With his head in his tablet, he wasn’t really looking where he was going and as he rounded a corner someone ran smack into him. A loud, high pitched noise of surprise doubled the shock of the encounter and suitably brought him out of his thoughts. Stunned, he stepped back and looked up to meet the bright eyes of Lena. The cadet was looking quite surprised and apologetic, her mouth a perfectly round O. Before he could even think of saying anything she let out a stream of words that he could barely follow.

“Oh my goodness Commander I’m so sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going and golly I was probably going too fast, you know me, honestly this is the second time this has happened to me this week I really should be more careful, and—“

Lena paused and her eyebrows furrowed. “Are you okay, sir? You look a little rough!”

Jack blinked at her for a moment and then sighed heavily. “Good morning Oxton. It’s no problem at all, and I’m fine, really. Just running late, and I have a _lot_ to do so if you’d excuse me—“

“No rest for the wicked, eh?” Lena interrupted him. “Look, you look awfully tired…”

Jack cringed. Guess he wasn’t as subtle as he’d hoped. “I’m okay, really.” He didn’t feel like Lena’s brightness should be wasted on him, honestly. As refreshing as it was.

“Commander,” Lena said, looking serious. It wasn’t very intimidating, but it got the point across. She reached out and put a gentle hand on his arm. “I think you could use a break.”

Ha. As if Jack had time for a break. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes, not because of Lena but because the concept of just _stopping_ seemed so silly. Instead he offered her what he hoped was a genuine looking apologetic smile. “I really don’t have time, Lena. But I appreciate your concern.”

To his surprise, instead of backing down Lena crossed her arms, standing as if she was trying to block his way. The concept of which was almost really amusing all by itself. “Look. If you are pushing yourself too hard, you’re not going to be leading this organization the best way you can. I’m sure everyone would agree with me that your well being is a lot more important than stupid military spending meetings and all that bollocks. Now I’m going to go have tea, and you’re going to move your schedule around and come have it with me. You look right knackered and really, I think I’d be saving you from the imminent embarrassment of falling asleep in a fancy rolling chair and snoring in front of the UN.”

Tea. Jack’s chest felt tight. It had been a long time since… “Yeah.” He sighed, and a triumphant grin grew on Lena’s face. “Yeah, okay. Lead the way, kid.” Quickly he pulled out his tablet as she turned away and rescheduled his meeting for the next day. They could deal, it’s not like it was something he gave a shit about anyways.

They got to the communal kitchen in what seemed like a blink to Jack. Maybe he was, just like Lena said, too _right knackered_ because he practically melted into a seat and relaxed his back against the chair. Jack closed his eyes, which stung with exhaustion, and listened to the clinking noises of porcelain and Lena’s soft humming as she puttered around while making tea.

“So,” he heard Lena say while she filled the kettle with water. “... I heard Jesse is gone?”

Jack just closed his eyes tighter, hands resting on his lap. “Yeah, just got his resignation this morning… it was kind of a shock.”

If Jack was honest with himself, calling Jesse’s resignation “kind of a shock” was an understatement. When Jack got Jesse’s resignation papers on his desk, he had to do a double take and read them twice, holding his head between his hands at the end and immediately thinking of what would that mean for Gabriel.

“I can’t believe he’s been gone for three days…” Lena said mournfully, interrupting Jack’s current train of thought.

He massaged his temples, still thinking about Jesse’s resignation letter and how to break the news to Gabriel without upsetting him too much. “Me neither.”

Jack felt Lena approaching and opened his eyes to her setting a tea mug on the table. His throat immediately closed up at the blue birds carefully painted on white porcelain, eyes watering at the sight.

“What’s wrong, commander?” Lena asked, a worried frown marring her young face. Jack covered his mouth, trying to get a hold of himself.

“Nothing, it’s just…” Still doubtful and shaking slightly, he forced himself to look at Lena and try to sound reassuring. “That was Ana’s mug. That’s all. Don’t worry about me.”

“Oh! I didn’t know, I’m so sorry!” Lena blurted, flushed with embarrassment, concern lacing her voice.

“It’s okay… she wouldn’t mind you using it. We used to drink tea together in the afternoon, it helped us relax. It was good—I felt grounded, when I was with her. At peace.” Jack explained, swallowing past the lump stuck inside his throat. Lena looked sad.

“I’m sorry, commander. She was a great person.”

“The best,” Jack sighed, finally feeling more in control of himself. Lena kept looking sadly at him, fiddling with her own teacup.

“Sir?” She asked, looking up at him.

“Mm?”

“I know everything seems muddled right now but… everything will be alright. We trust you, sir. You’ll pull us through! Overwatch is going to make it.” Lena smiled before taking a sip of her tea, her whole face shining with enthusiasm, proving how much she believed in her own words. How much she believed in Jack.

“Heh,” Jack smiled, resting his chin on his hand, feeling a little bit more upbeat in the face of Lena’s good spirits. “Thank you, Oxton. You’re very kind.”

“I’m just being honest, sir,” she chirped, almost teasingly. “I believe in you—so you should believe in yourself too and try to get some rest. Be kind to yourself. Take breaks more often and don’t push yourself too hard!”

To Jack’s great surprise, Lena reached out towards him and squeezed his hand softly, then retreated back with a soft smile and downed the rest of her tea in one long sip. “Well, I need to get moving. Have a great day, Commander!”

As quickly as she had stormed into the hallway and stolen Jack for a quiet moment, she was gone. In a better mood and more energetic than before, Jack finished his cup of tea and decided to finally go to his office, getting ready to face the rest of the day and the mountain of work awaiting for him, Jesse’s resignation and Gabriel’s impending reaction.

That last thought stopped him, just for a moment, and a small feeling of dread pooled at his gut, but. Jack kept moving.

He couldn’t afford to lose any more time.


	4. Chapter 4

_Ahora dormiré_

_Muy profundamente para olvidar_

_Quisiera hasta la muerte para no pensar_

_Me borro pa' quitarme esta amargura_

 

 

Gabriel woke to the sound of his comm and a feeling like his entire body was made of lead. It was a struggle to open his eyes, but he wrestled the device out of his pocket and looked at it through squinted eyes. He had only been out for a few hours and he didn’t feel rested in any way.

Jack was paging him.

As he flicked the text open, he surveyed the room around him. Minimal damage, despite how dramatic his breakdown was. He’d deal with it later.

There was no twist to the emotion Gabriel was feeling as he made his way to Jack’s office. He felt raw and exposed as if his heart were beating outside of his chest and anyone could come along and crush it. His ankle twinged with pain every time he put weight on it. Part of him wanted to apologize, but he wasn’t sure what for, or what it would fix. Everything was shit, that was one thing they could agree on, right?

When he put his hand up to Jack’s door and it swung open, he was as close to optimistic as he could possibly get in this state of mind.

 

-

 

Jack’s headache seemed to have lessened in severity after his short visit with Lena, and he felt ready to face the issue of Jesse’s resignation. As hard as it was to accept Jesse’s departure, Jack couldn’t help but wonder why Gabriel didn’t mention it three days ago when it actually happened.

After paging Gabe, Jack ran a hand through his hair and waited patiently, too antsy to be sitting. He leaned up against his desk, making too much of an effort to look calm and casual.

As soon as Gabriel entered his office Jack frowned, taking note of his messy appearance. What was Gabriel doing before he paged him? Training? No-- he looked too rumpled for that. The hint of bruising Jack could see on him was unsettling.

  
“Gabe, are you okay?” Looking at the papers he needed to hand Gabe one last time, he put them in a folder before holding them out in offering. “Listen, I… heard about Jesse’s resignation. It was too hasty, and I need you to file these forms for him and sign them as his CO.” Jack said, smiling a little awkwardly in an attempt to be reassuring.

 

-

 

“Are you kidding me?” Gabriel stared at Jack, who was giving him a smile much too bright for this fucking morning. Then he looked at the folder being offered to him. For a moment there was limbo as he processed. Then, suddenly, everything was rushing back to him. Anger clouded his vision and he just couldn’t help it, he snapped again.

“What the fuck, Jack? Jesse’s been gone for three fucking days and the first thing you have to say to me is hey, _sign this!?_ ”

Vaguely, Gabriel registered that the smile had dropped from Jack’s face. _Good_. He opened his mouth to say something but Gabriel wasn’t done.

“You know what, Morrison, you’re so fucking dense sometimes, you know!? How did you not notice he'd been gone until today? Do you even know what’s happening in your own fucking organization, under your own cute fucking nose!?”

“Listen, Gabriel, I know you’re upset--” Jack tried to interrupt him, voice faltering a little, anger and frustration bleeding through. Gabriel didn’t care to know at that moment. “I’m trying to do my fucking job here, alright? One of your agents skipped all the proper channels and just deserted the organization, I want to know why and how, and I need to keep everything tidy so no one comes looking for our heads in case something is actually going on--”

Yeah, Gabriel already knew all that. _That_ was the problem. All subtlety was suddenly out the window like a dam had broken. All the things he’d been holding in were about to rush out; it was dangerous information but he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. He needed to stop, feeling like he was choking on his own words, shouldn’t have been saying these things in anger, but…

He just had to get Jack to listen, for once. He just needed to be _heard_.

“Are you aware of how many missions have been compromised for unexplained reasons, how easily the enemy is predicting us? There are _names_ , Jack, medical records, secrets that we shouldn’t even have--”

 

-

 

Jack’s mind by force of habit immediately tuned out the drone of Gabriel’s voice and he felt fatigue overtake him. The desk was the only thing standing in front of him, but it felt like a wall. Like a whole universe had made its home in the space between them.

“I’m just trying to tell you that I… I…” Dizzy, blood pounding in his ears, he felt trapped and helpless. Jack put his hands on the desk to support his own weight, trying not to puke. He glared at Gabriel. “I have to do my job,” he muttered angrily, slowly slipping into quietness. He schooled his face into a stoic mask, blank and unfeeling in front of Gabriel’s seething anger. _I’m trying,_ was stuck in his throat like a stone. _If you just_ stopped _yelling every time you get mad I could show you._

“I can’t fucking do this,” he stumbled, tripping over one of the corners of the desk when his legs shook too much to keep on standing. _Fuck, I’m tired, I can’t--_ His breathing stuttered as he tried to keep talking and his chest was too tight like all the air was being sucked out from the room. A choked sob escaped him, slightly louder than before-- “I _can’t_ \--”

 

-

 

Gabriel stopped cold, squinting at Jack’s pale face, his focus shifting back to him.

“Wha--”

Immediately seeing Jack start to crumble, Gabriel darted out to catch him. Thanking heaven for super reflexes, he just barely broke Jack’s fall. His bad ankle failed him but he managed to bring them both safely to the floor.

Breathing like he’d just run a mile and heart pounding in his ears, Gabriel just gaped down at his husband for several moments, not knowing what to do. Everything he’d ever known was suddenly coming apart at the seams. Jack’s eyelids were fluttering and he was practically hyperventilating. The two of them were a mess and Gabriel suddenly felt like he was going to be sick, gut twisting with guilt.

“Jack? Jackie, wake up, fuck...”

When Jack’s eyes blinked open and his breathing slowed slightly Gabriel just sobbed, curling in on them both. He was so overwhelmed he didn’t know what else to do but try and hold onto something, his chest heaving.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Jack. I’m so sorry…”

 

-

 

Clumsily and with poor coordination, Jack raised a weak hand to try and comfort Gabriel but ended up pawing at his arm uselessly. “I’m--” _I’m okay. It’s okay. Stop crying._

Jack felt like a kid there, cradled in Gabriel’s arms. Fighting for air like a fish out of water, clawing at his own chest in an attempt to steady his heart. Tears gathered in his eyes from the mere effort of trying to breathe, and he ended up hiding his face against Gabriel’s stomach to avoid the shame he felt at being exposed like this.

Years ago, he wouldn’t have minded at all. Gabriel would have been privy to every exposed wire, every raw nerve of Jack. But things stopped being like that a good long while ago. Jack covered his own mouth and cried as softly as he could when the thought of things ending like _this_ reached him. Was this how it was going to be? Years of service, an entire marriage, an empire built over the ashes of blood, sacrifice and trauma, all gone?

_Congratulations, Jack. You’ve finally done it. There’s no going back now, you’ve fucked up everything._

What a fucking waste. Useless.

“Don’t…” Jack winced at the sound of his own voice, and his body went limp again like he had disconnected from it. He was too tired to stop crying but also too exhausted to cover his own tears. There was no energy left to disguise this vulnerability, only numbness. That feeling of swimming in cold water took him back.

 

-

 

Gabriel couldn’t do anything but watch Jack slip back into a more peaceful unconsciousness. He should have taken them somewhere safer, called Angela, something. But he couldn’t find the slightest bit of strength inside him. Instead, he just gingerly maneuvered them to the ground and enveloped Jack as best as he could, feeling still like the only thing left to do was to just be close. For as long as he needed to.

An overwhelming sense of guilt and regret was eating at him now, as he held Jack and felt him breathe shallowly. That he’d let his anger cloud his thoughts and make him biased against the one person he’d sworn to defend to his last breath. It was obvious now that, despite Jack’s complete lack of communication he’d been going through shit the same as Gabriel had. God, it was so glaringly _obvious_.

But Gabriel had been too wrapped up in his own selfish feelings to realize that Jack had been calling for help. Albeit much more quietly than Gabriel had, but that was no excuse. He was supposed to know Jack intimately, hell, there was a time where the two of them could finish each other’s sentences. What an idiot he was.

He’d hurt Jack. He’d _hurt_ him, been too angry, pushed too far and now Jack was lying on the ground having some kind of unconscious panic attack and he didn’t know what to do.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered again, hoarsely against the skin of Jack’s neck. “I love you. I fucking love you.”

 

-

 

After an amount of time he couldn’t determine, Jack’s eyes fluttered a little before opening completely. The floating sensation slowly left his body and he began to feel like his limbs belonged to him again. He stared at the grey of Gabriel’s hoodie and reached up to rest a hand over his husband’s heart like he used to do when they were younger. The steady rhythm of Gabriel’s heart always helped him come back to his surroundings, anchoring him to reality. Jack felt like a piece of shit for making him cry, unable to remember the last time he saw Gabriel sob like that. There was a smell of blood and sweat permeating Gabriel’s clothes and it felt oddly comforting, even though Jack knew it meant something was wrong.

Tiny details knit themselves together in Jack’s thoughts. It was like pressing an On button and bringing every corner of his mind back online, finally making him fully aware of his surroundings.

“Are you okay?” Jack croaked, voice rough like sandpaper. “You feel cold,” he mumbled, making an effort to ignore the chill on his own skin.

 

-

 

Gabe was alert as soon as Jack stirred but waited patiently, not sure if this bout of consciousness would last. At the muffled words, he frowned.

“Are you… kidding me, Jackie? You just died in my arms and you’re worried about me?”

He was nervous and shaky, certainly not ‘okay,’ but feeling like he was still somehow the more stable one in this situation. This felt like a second chance of sorts, them lying there, quiet and calm. If only he could think of anything to say. Unusually, Jack beat him to the punch.

 

-

 

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Jack started. Maybe he should sit up straight for this conversation, he thought. But he was so cold he felt like his teeth might start clattering and he didn’t want Gabriel to notice. “It’s been a long week, I haven’t been sleeping a lot-- I guess I’m just. Exhausted.” He attempted a smile, but it fell flat on his face and he stopped trying, too done to make an effort to mask his tiredness with fake grins that would surely only annoy Gabriel further and make him look like an idiot.

“I’m sorry…” Jack coughed, still a little bit out of air and uncomfortably embarrassed. “I’m sorry you felt like I wasn’t listening to you. I’m sorry I was a coward who kept trying to pretend that things were going to work out on their own eventually.”

He should be leaving Gabriel’s embrace soon, probably. Staying there felt like overstepping for some reason, and that only made his chest hurt more. It didn’t use to be like that, but there was a first time for everything, he guessed. “I just…I was so angry, I felt like I had to put a lid on it like I couldn’t let it out. And it was eating away at me, I think.”

Jack licked his lips, wincing at how dry they felt. “I can’t believe I’m leading a sinking boat. I can’t believe everything we ever fought for is coming apart.”

_Easy. Take a deep breath._

“I thought you were going to ask me for a divorce. And I wanted to avoid it. By not dealing with it, I guess. Smart move, A-plus for effort.” Jack dragged a hand down his face and hated the way it trembled.

 

-

 

Stunned, Gabriel stared in disbelief as Jack shook and poured out his heart. The love of his damn life was killing himself and he hadn’t even bothered to notice.

_I’ve been such a fucking idiot._

“Jack. Shit, Jack, I--”

Gabriel’s whole world had shrunk and it was just Jack, the only word on his lips and in his mind. Gathering his husband’s face in his hands, Gabriel nearly cried again when Jack couldn’t even look him in the eye.

“Look at me, sunshine. This isn’t your fault. Damn it all, I should have seen it, I should have known better. You shouldn’t have had to go through this by yourself. ”

Impulsively he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Jack’s wet cheek. The noise he got in return was so wounded it sent an ache through him and he repeated the action, covering Jack’s face in soft affection. Finally Gabriel kissed his lips slowly and gently, a little hesitant at first but as Jack pressed back with a soft sweet sound he melted into it, pushing closer.

After a moment they both pulled back with a gasp as if they had been necking like teenagers. There were tears in Jack’s eyes, but they were in Gabriel’s too, and he couldn’t remember the last time one of them wasn’t crying, honestly.

“I don’t want a divorce, Jack. God, that’s terrifying, fuck no. I don’t want you to be so far away all the time, don’t want _this_ to become meaningless and unfamiliar. I fucking love you, Jack. And I’m so fucking sorry I let you think I didn’t.”

 

-

 

“Okay,” Jack breathed, letting out a long overdue sigh of relief. “Okay.”

He cupped Gabriel’s face between his hands and kissed his forehead, letting go so he could switch their position and hold his husband. He rubbed soothing circles on Gabriel’s back and rested his lips against one temple, the curls there sticking with sweat. “Okay, Gabe, this is…we both fucked up _badly_ , don’t try to put it all on yourself. I’m just so glad you want to stick with me, you have no idea… Look. We’re going to fix this. Everything,” he whispered against Gabriel’s skin. “I don’t know how, but we’re going to fix this and get out of this mess together. Like we always do.”

Closing his eyes, blessed warmth finally returning to his body, Jack pulled Gabriel closer. “We have got some serious talking to do.”

 

-

 

Taking in a deep, shuddering breath of his own, and with Jack’s arms around him providing a comfort he needed so badly, Gabriel finally felt ready to get back on his feet.

“Alright. Let’s… before anything else, we both need to drink water and go the fuck to sleep. In a bed.”

So they did, helping each other up and fruitlessly tugging at their hopelessly rumpled clothes in an attempt to look halfway presentable. When they finally made it back to their bed Gabriel felt like he could sleep forever. They fell asleep willingly, face to face, hands clasped tightly between them.

 

-

 

The red numbers on the alarm clock told Jack that it was four in the morning when he, bleary-eyed and sore, came into awareness. Clumsy with sleep and the exhaustion that his body had been fighting against for weeks, he reached towards the other side of the bed.

His searching hand found a warm, sleeping form and it was in that moment that Jack knew with certainty that things could really be right again. Gabriel was still there.

Jack pulled his husband close to his chest and rested his chin on top of those dark curls. Falling asleep again felt soft, like being enveloped in cotton. Like an old hug.

Like finding his way back home.


	5. Chapter 5

_Yo siento que tú me quieres_

_Como yo te quiero_

_Acuéstate a mi lado_

_Esta noche te quiero vivir_

_Arrúllame, ahógame, aplástame_

_Desármame, cómeme, fúmame_

_Amor inquieto_

_Amor drogado_

 

 

Ironically, things were undeniably better after Jack and Gabriel’s separate and mutual breakdowns. Gabriel had still been there in the morning when Jack woke up. They had talked things out, confessed for a long, long time. Opening up to each other hadn’t felt good, but it had been worth it. In the end, Jack felt raw and vulnerable but infinitely lighter. He’d spent too long underwater, cold and adrift, and now he needed to get used to the open air. Had to learn how to breathe again.

Even when Gabriel spoke about his suspicions and discoveries in the archives, Jack couldn’t bring himself to be as concerned as he probably should have been. His relief at getting at least a fraction of his relationship back was overshadowing everything. At this point it seemed obvious they would face the monster head-on together, but Jack still made a point to insist on it. They had to do it together.

Finally, it was Morrison and Reyes against the world again. Not against each other.

Still, Jack was unavoidably scared that it wouldn’t last. A traitorous part of his mind told him not to trust either himself or Gabriel. He was guilty— every time Gabriel pulled him close his mind would go off on paranoid bunny trails, wondering if Gabriel even wanted to be affectionate or if he simply felt obligated to be.

The sixth time in a row Jack woke up with Gabriel still in bed, he felt an unwelcome erection insistent against his thigh.

Panicked, his first instinct was to leave so that he wouldn’t be a bother or make Gabriel uncomfortable. It briefly crossed his mind how absolutely insane he was being, but he did it anyway, gingerly slipping out from under the covers and dropping his feet off the side of the bed.

Just as he went to push himself up and escape to the bathroom, he felt a firm hand wrap around his wrist. A shiver ran down his spine and he jumped noticeably.

 

-

 

Gabriel awoke as soon as Jack moved in the bed. He had been relishing these shared mornings, often mentally kicking himself for ever giving them up, and looked forward to waking up next to Jack. Today, concern pooled in his stomach when Jack quickly and with a panicked look on his face rolled out of bed. Impulsively Gabriel reached out and caught his husband before he could get too far.

“Everything okay, Jackie?”

Jack looked back with a pretty blush dusting his cheeks and opened his mouth to answer. Nothing came out though, so Gabriel tugged him back onto the bed. He went rather reluctantly but went all the same and Gabriel pulled him close, peppering his face with kisses.

“Tell me what’s--” _wrong_ , he was going to say but stopped short when he felt the incriminating evidence pressed up against his thigh. As Gabriel looked down, then looked up and raised an eyebrow Jack squirmed, blush managing to deepen even more.

“Are you trying to hide your boner from me, Morrison? Why on earth!?”

 

-

 

Jack groaned, dragging a hand down his face, skin already flushed with embarrassment. “I don’t, uh--,”

For fuck’s sake, he wasn’t a teenager anymore. He gave a reasonable answer; it was a half-truth but it was still a truth. “I didn’t want you to think that I, um...want to distract you with sex. Or that I want to solve our problems with sex.”

Jack was self-aware enough to notice the pattern: they fight, vicious and loud, tearing at each others’ weakest points. Then they take their time away from the other, think about the argument. In the end, touches are always exchanged instead of apologies. Only a fool couldn’t see the way sex had turned into the middle ground for them, a place where they could meet and connect regardless of how angry they were. Pretending they are reassured because at least their bodies still know how to fit together.

Taking a deep breath, Jack laid his head on Gabriel’s shoulder. He was trying to calm down but his erection was still betraying him. In return for all the kisses, he tipped his head up and brushed his lips against Gabriel’s jaw.

“I also wasn’t sure if…if you still wanted this, after the last time. If you still wanted me, I mean.”

 

-

 

“I still want you, Jack. I never stopped wanting you,” Gabriel started, pushing Jack gently onto his back. Jack didn't protest, looking up at Gabriel, expression soft and open. _Hell._ “Look-- fuck, if anything I want you even more now that I don't have to worry about our fucking motivations.”

When he straddled Jack’s lap and felt him push his hips up, searching for contact, Gabriel had to grit his teeth to keep from shivering.

He marveled at how serene Jack seemed, face lit with the faintest smile now, infinitely better than the furrowed brows he had been sporting moments before. “You're still as beautiful as the day I met you and you're still…”

Gabriel couldn’t resist leaning down to deliver a searing kiss.

“You're goddamn perfect,” he mumbled against Jack’s mouth. Jack sighed happily and squirmed a little under him-- it was heaven.

 

-

 

“I missed you,” Jack said when they broke apart. Raising a hand towards Gabriel’s face he touched his cheek, ran fingers softly over his skin, settled on his jaw and gently scratched at his beard. Gabriel melted into the touch. “I’ve missed you so much, Gabe.”

He cupped Gabriel’s face, pulled him down and kissed him gently. The heat of their previous kisses seemed to cool down and simmer until it was less urgent and more lethargic, turning into a need for comfort and closeness.

Rubbing his nose against Gabe’s, Jack closed his eyes, keeping still for a few precious seconds, just…breathing together, till they were in sync. One of them, Jack didn’t know who, initiated another kiss, slow and a little bit sloppy. He was lazy with the feeling of going back to what felt so right, he let himself get caught up in it.

After an indeterminate amount of time lost in each other Jack came up for air. “Sweetheart,” he rasped with a little bit of effort, opening his eyes to look at Gabriel. “You know I love you, right? You know you’re the most important thing to me, always?”

 

-

 

Gabe’s stomach twisted violently at his husbands' words. Staring down at Jack he felt overwhelmed with the need to express how much adoration he was feeling, how regretful he was that he had missed so much time.

“Yeah. God, yeah...me too--I mean, you too...I mean--fuck.”

He dropped down to steal Jack’s mouth back. It was suddenly all he wanted to do... just keep kissing Jack. Spend hours and hours kissing him. “I’ll never forget again, I swear.” He mumbled in between kisses.“And I won't let you forget, either. How much I love _you_.”

Hands wandering, drifting over Jack’s body like it was the first time he’d touched it, Gabriel mapped out scars he knew by heart once. Jack’s breath hitched when he skimmed over certain places and it was horribly like deja vu. Had it really been so long? That touching Jack like this felt like reliving a memory and not just like how it _should be?_

“Let me make you feel good, sunshine. You don't ever have to hide,” he whispered against Jack’s temple.

 

-

 

Jack laughed breathlessly when Gabriel’s beard tickled the side of his face and pressed his nose against Gabriel’s cheekbone. “I don’t want you to do all the heavy lifting by yourself, big boy,”

Running a hand over Gabriel’s lower back, he ground up against him. The plan was only to tease but the effort to keep his hands to himself became too hard to maintain and he reached in between them to palm the front of Gabriel boxers. He was achingly hard under Jack’s fingers.

The weight of Gabriel’s body over him was something Jack had missed terribly, he realized-- just the comforting sensation of his body covering like a loving blanket. His breath hitched and he pressed his face into Gabriel’s neck, inhaling deeply as soon as he felt the familiar sting of tears in his eyes. “Fuck,” he sobbed, hand still cupping Gabriel, feeling stupid for letting his emotions get the best of him. He trailed kisses all over his husband’s neck and shoulder, trying to will the tears away. It didn’t work and he stopped to sniffle. “Fuck-- I can’t-- I’m just so happy you still want me.”

Now even more horrified at letting out that bit of information, Jack tried to stifle another sob and pulled his hands away so he could swipe at his eyes.

 

-

 

The sight of Jack’s tears only made Gabriel want to touch more, try and fix it. He tugged Jack’s hands away from his face and wiped the tears away himself, trying to look calm but failing, feeling the concern etched onto his face.

“Hey, hey-- honey you're okay, I’m in our damn bed kissing you, okay? And I’m enjoying it _very_ much. We’re good, we’re gonna be okay.”

Jack nodded with a final brave sniff and arched up, searching for another kiss and Gabriel gave it willingly, unphased by his wet cheeks. A warm jolt ran through him as Jack rolled his hips up and ground against him again.

“Mm-- okay, I mean it-- let me.”

Gabriel gently pushed Jack’s hips down with one hand and palmed at him through his underwear. He deepened their kiss, licking into Jack’s pliant mouth as he tugged the briefs down and Jack pushed his hips up off the bed helping wriggle them off. The way Jack lifted his face to keep them from pulling apart was achingly sweet but after a few moments Gabriel had to come up for air, just for a moment-- just to look.

Jack was panting and flushed from his cheeks down to his sternum, no longer crying but cheeks still wet with tears. His cock was lying perfect and leaking onto his abs. Gabriel dragged one finger over his stomach, touch feather-light and watched raptly as Jack’s abs tensed and his cock twitched.

 

-

 

“Come on you tease. Touch me,” Jack laughed, reaching for the bedside table and fumbling around until he found the bottle of lube they usually kept there. He handed it to Gabriel, who accepted it readily. An idea sparking in his mind, Jack followed the movement of Gabriel’s hands. Grabbing one of them, he brought it to his lips. Looking Gabriel dead in the eye he sucked in two fingers, flattening his tongue against them and licking them. He sucked harder as he watched Gabriel’s pupils dilate until his eyes were almost black.

“Fuck,” Gabriel choked out, not tearing his gaze away from the picture that Jack was painting for him: flushed, lips swollen from kissing and wrapped around Gabriel’s fingers. “Who’s teasing who now, huh? That’s so fucking hot.” He squeezed one of Jack’s pecs with his free hand, thumbing at a nipple and smiling when Jack let out a muffled moan.

“You love this so much,” Gabriel cooed, pinching and squeezing Jack’s nipples until the blonde arched his back prettily, lips still tight around Gabriel’s fingers. Gabriel chuckled when Jack bit down gently and pulled his fingers out, thumbing at Jack’s lower lip.

Jack’s eyelashes fluttered a little, and he kissed the tip of Gabriel’s thumb lovingly.

“That wasn’t a hint for you to stop,” he murmured. ”Give those back.”

 

-

 

Gabriel felt hazy with want as he complied, slipping his fingers back into Jack’s mouth. Without tearing his eyes away he fumbled for lube with his free hand, getting it all over the bed but achieving his goal--then wrapped one hand around Jack’s cock at the same time that he pressed down on his tongue. Jack whimpered around his fingers and then pushed forward so they bumped against the back of his throat. Somehow Gabriel was the only one who choked.

Unable to keep from touching himself any longer he dipped his hips down and adjusted, getting them both in his grip, moaning loudly at the contact. His thighs burned a little from the position, holding himself up with no free hands but it was so damn good. Jack was getting _off_ on having his mouth full and it had been so long since they felt connected like this and Gabriel was so on edge already. After what must only have been a few minutes, Jack’s tongue slipped between his fingers and his orgasm hit him out of nowhere, too fucking soon. Gabriel came with a gasp and a flurry of curses and Jack bit down gently on his fingers again, rocking into it.

After just a beat Gabriel shook his head in an attempt to clear it and sat back on his heels. Jack watched wide-eyed and silent, reluctantly letting the fingers slip from his mouth.

 _He looks so fucking good_ , was the only thing Gabriel could think. Chin shiny with spit, stomach covered in Gabriel’s spend, chest heaving.

Jack looked down and Gabriel followed his gaze, both of them landing on his fingers. Then they looked up again; it was obvious they had the same idea when Jack simply blinked at Gabriel and let his knees fall apart, spreading his legs in blatant invitation.

Instantly Gabriel was back in his space, nosing at his jaw as one slick finger pushed at his entrance.

“Both, Gabe, gimme both--”

Gabriel complied without question but did so slowly. It was Jack who writhed down against his hand, fucking himself on the fingers. When Gabriel found his mouth once again Jack bit at his lip and sucked on his tongue, making soft noises in the back of his throat at every jerk of Gabriel’s wrist.

Once Gabriel found that sweet spot and pushed insistently against it with every thrust, it wasn’t long before Jack was coming with a cry. Gabriel kissed him through it, stealing the noises from his mouth.

 

-

 

Pulling out, Gabriel let himself fall over to Jack’s side, lying close enough so their noses brushed together and Jack pressed a final breathless kiss to the corner of his mouth. Laughing, Jack searched for Gabriel's hands and laced their fingers together, humming. “I can’t believe you came so fast,” he teased.

“Not my fault you’re so fuckin’ hot, Morrison.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” Jack joked, running a hand through Gabriel’s curls and brushing them off his sweaty forehead. He frowned a little at how long the hair was. “You really need a haircut, love.”

He thumbed at the bags under Gabriel’s eyes then, noticing how they seem less pronounced. “You feel better now? Hm?” Jack asked, continuing to card his fingers through Gabriel’s hair.

Gabe scrunched up his nose. “Me? I’m alright. You’re the one who tried to sneak out of bed so I wouldn’t see your boner. Are _you_ feeling better?”

Face still flushed, Jack smiled that little crooked smile that he knew Gabe liked so much. “Me? Well, I just got fingered by this really hot guy… don’t tell my husband, tho.”

Gabe grinned despite himself. “Shut the fuck up and tell me if you’re happy, Jack.”

Jack laughed, eyes twinkling. He kissed Gabriel’s jaw. “I am. I’m happy,” he paused, unable to stop smiling. “I love you.”

 

-

 

And Gabriel actually believed Jack this time. It was in the way he smiled, there was nothing clouding those blue eyes anymore. Gabriel still felt guilty, probably would for a while. This was… good though. Really good. They needed this. Needed to remind each other how it felt when sex wasn’t empty and angry.

“I love you too.”

It was the truest thing Gabe had said in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Dear friends  
> Kasi and I have been working on this fic since nearly the beginning of our friendship, months and months ago, and it's finally being revealed to the world. I'm not gonna lie I'm pretty emotional but I won't write you a novel here. So obviously we started planning and writing this before a lot of lore reveals, but we decided to keep it the way it was. We hope you love this as much as we do as you follow along with the story. <3  
> ~~Kate
> 
> As Katie said, we started writing this story a little bit after becoming friends, when I kept insisting on being PUNK ROCK and denying all claims of Gabriel's petty jealousy and Jack being a dick. I know the lore is now outdated, so take this story as a bit of a Canon Divergence thing, but Katie and I have a deep emotional attachment to it, since it has been our baby for months. We hope you enjoy this as much as we enjoyed writing it, since this fic it's very dear to us and a true landmark of our friendship.  
> ~ Kasi


End file.
